Where am I going, Where have I been

A lot has happened since I wrote No Sugar Coats last year but it feels good to return to this digital archive with new revelations, new dreams, and new realities.

I’ve done a lot of soul searching, unlearning, and reprogramming in my two years out of school. I had no idea what this period of my life would look like, but I didn’t expect my chosen reality. Self-employment/underemployment and the freelancing game gave me two things:

  1. Completely draining, nonstop emotional labor seeping into every aspect of my life; work, finances, creativity, post-grad depression
  2. The time, freedom, and loneliness necessary to dive into who I am, what I want in this life, and what I truly stand for

I do a lot of sitting at home. I’m mostly reflecting, sitting with my thoughts, and trying to understand myself most honestly (and probably crying). I don’t make a lot of money, I don’t do a lot of professional work, but I do a lot of dreaming and planning. I do a lot of reading. I do a lot of questioning. I do a lot of emotional and generational deprogramming.

I spend a lot of time confused and unsure. It’s absolutely exhausting. At the same time, however, every now and then I’m excited to see the fruits of some of that work.

In the past year I’ve performed in a dance film, co-produced my first dance film, and performed in my first evening length work since 2016. I’ve officially launched a dance collective that my team and I are forever learning and evolving (and also struggling) with. I’ve also taken a step back from my performance dreams to focus more on film and started a TV/Film blog that honestly still intimidates me most days.

Honestly, I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time. That hasn’t changed too much in the past year. I’ve had to lean into God and the Universe like never before. I am barely walking by sight these days, but instead walking by faith (which is hard as f*ck). This walk has taken me away from things I thought I’d love forever and instead pulled me toward opportunities and people I never imagined for myself. For example:

I walked away from dance training and planted a seed about film school. That sentence alone makes the decision sound so flimsy, but coming to this realization scared the sh*t out of me. The pull toward film school felt big. The dreams I started to have felt bigger and more intentional than anything I’d ever felt. I didn’t have a lot of answers, but I got a nudge in a direction which was a nice change of pace from my first year of aimlessness post-grad. So, I claimed a huge dream as my reality—film school, more specifically in California, most specifically UCLA. The application process looked like a lot of writing and researching while I prayed, meditated, cried, and prayed some more on the side. Talk about trusting like never before. Needless to say…

I’m moving to LA in September to pursue my MFA in Directing at my dream school.

Truth is, even though I know where I’m going next I still feel stuck and directionless most of the time. I still feel like I did in this post, but that wall I spoke about has transformed into my shadows. Instead of trying to break it, we mostly just dance together in my bedroom and watch Netflix when we need some company. We come together and fall apart almost hourly (yeah, it’s exhausting) but I know now that we’re on the same team. There is no defeat.

There is only victory.

I’m excited for where this new chapter of my life will lead me! As usual, I am honored to have you here with me on this journey. If you would’ve told me when I started this e-portfolio at 18 that I’d eventually write about my pivot to Hollywood, I wouldn’t believe you. You truly never know what life has in store.

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